2012 Retrospective: Award Night

In just over 48 hours, we leave behind 2012 and set foot into 2013. We are genuinely, absolutely, 100% leaving behind the year 2012!!! Now, if that's not a good news, I have no idea what is. 2012 was supposedly where it all came to an end. 2012 was supposed to be the end of the world. And guess what, we are still here. Just like we survived 2001, just like we survived…eh, which was the one before that…I am seriously losing track…but anyway, the point is, we survived. Again.

Now that we know we've got another couple of years left on God's Green Earth, it's time for a little bit of retrospection. What did 2012 have in store for you? Did it make you want to pull your hair out of your head? Or did it leave you felling on top of the world? For me, it was a mixture of both.

2012 started out on a wrong foot, or rather it started out on a wrong note for the old me. I've changed a lot, I'll tell you that. I thought 2012 was going to be a huge disaster, a humongous fiasco, but, barely a week into 2012, I started changing my tune. It was alright.

16 April 2012. S3 Result, and I topped the class. I was so elated, I've got to say, well, I did post here. For more details, refer my previous posts.  On that day, I had hoped at least in my wildest dreams that I could secure the top spot again next semester. But oh no, that was not to be. But that's later in the year.

18 may 2012: This was a trip to Masinagudi, and I have to award this "Highlight of the Year". This was one of the best times I had this year.

28 May 2012. What can possibly be described as the worst day of my entire life. I would've given that award to my EC lab exam, but given that I was expecting that, and the fact that I got good marks in that, I'll let that one slide.

So, Mr. Digital Lab Fiasco, please accept the award for causing the Worst Day of My Life.

<Mild applause, and a chorus of boos>

18 August 2012. Something which I never thought would ever happen happened on this day. I had given my first year paper up for revaluation, and on this day, I received the results. I had scored 9.43 instead of the 9.17 I had earlier.

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

And for this day, I thought I'd give "Day of the Year" award, but, not so fast. We've still got 4 months to review.

17 November 2012. I told you to wait. And here it is. The day Microsoft called me for an internship test at Kochi. Now, with that on the list, there can only be one sure winner.

So, this is, "Day of the Year".

22 November 2012. Well, this is a result of the Worst Day of my Life. What goes up has to come down. You write an exam, you have to deal with the result. 8.81. That's it, not the worst day of my life because I was expecting this.

10-17 December 2012. This might cause some raised eyebrows, but I've got to give away "Lesson of the Year" to this period, and the lesson that I learned is:

"The only thing you have to fear is fear itself".

I was going through a tough time, I was physically down thanks to Mr. Cold, who struck TWICE this year, and was going through a tough time mentally as well. I was upset about a lot of things, and I was tensed about a whole lot of things. Things that should have been sneered at, things that should have been brushed aside, I was falling prey to the most vicious, the most vile disease Satan devised, and that is anxiety. Everything was starting to make me nervous, and I was ready to snap anytime. But slowly, everything solved itself. Things that I thought were going to take my life slowly paled away into insignificance. What I learned then was that, we can always survive, if we don’t fall prey to fear.

21 December 2012: The End of the World As You Know It.

28 December 2012: I told you I went for a test on 17 November. On this day, I got news that I had qualified and I was going to have a phone interview on in January. That really threw me off balance. I was stunned and shocked for along time. And for that, let us award "Shocker of the Year" and "Moment of the Year".

2 more days to go. Will anything happen that will get into this list???

Wait to find out.

Was that your goodbye kiss?

 I have touched upon this subject before, but now I feel I need to bring it up one last time. Today our exams started. As usual the first exam was maths. And I am not so good at maths.

In fact I hate maths.

I hate the ominous looking brackets, I hate the curled up integration signs, I hate fourier transforms, oh Lord, I could go on and on…

But, coming back…

I got into the exam hall and turned over the exam paper. I scanned the paper roughly. Nothing extremely venomous to watch out for. No vipers or adders or cobras. So I started, with my fingers crossed.

Part A. This is where things get dirty. Random process and random variable. Definitions? Come on!!! I barely know how to solve those problems, and now you want a word by word definition? Well, I believe an example is worth a thousand words. Let's just hope they feel the same way too. Anyway, I wrote down my example and a brief explanation.

Question 10. Hey, I finished part A. This didn't get as dirty as I thought.

Part B. The really big fish swim here, by the way. I caught a lot of trout, lets hope I can catch a shark or two here. Module 1, module 2…hey I can actually do this stuff!!!

And BAM!!!

A brick wall was hit. And it is called module 3-Random processes. One of the most despicable things in our syllabus. But whoa, wait one damn second, fellah!! I did this question last night!! And bam!!!

I was done. With half an hour to spare. This had never happened before. I am usually sitting with my head in my hands during this time.

Now, what actually happened? Did I prepare too much? I don't think so. I prepared like I usually do. I did nothing more, and nothing less. Then what?

I can only think of on thing. Maths ends this semester. For being on my back for so long, for making me pull out my hair time and time again, for being a serious pain in the a** for so long, maybe this is your goodbye kiss. Your parting gift. But I shudder to think otherwise. Maybe I avoided the truly venomous adders and vipers and cobras, but were there too many little snakes in the grass? Will they play spoilsport?

You gave me your goodbye kiss, I just hope it doesn't turn out to be a dementor's kiss.

I didn't fail !!!!!!!!

If you've not read my posts Dead Again and Trying to Rise, I strongly advise you to do so before you proceed, but its up to you.

I have been walking on broken glass ever since that day. Every mention of someone failing, someone who didn't make it, any mention of our results, it really got under my skin. In fact, the first couple of months I couldn't even read the microprocessors text book without having to close my eyes and telling myself to relax because it was conveniently littered with references to 74LS138 and 74LS151, all unhappy reminders of the day when my life turned hell. The past couple of months, I have been telling myself it's okay, it's okay to stumble up on this long journey called life, and that it's important to rise every time you fall. But scriptures and proverbs and quotes do not ease a tensed mind. Why?

Because I have never flunked an exam. I always get good marks and I am always at the top.

Quoting Conan O' Brian,

"Success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you're desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way."

I had the tuxedo on.

 I had kept it from getting dirty for so long that I couldn't picture myself in a dirty tuxedo.

And I was out in a marshy swamp.

I could die in this swamp, but even if I didn't die, I most certainly would get my tuxedo dirty.

And I did.

8.81.

Yup that's it. .9.43,9.31 and finally 8.81.

Am I grateful I didn't fail, that I didn't have to die in that swamp? Hell YES!!! Thank God I didn't fail. And I know that God alone saved me from that terrible fate.

Am I disappointed I didn't come out at the top? Yes. Begrudgingly I have to say yes. But that is too much to ask for, especially when you've come out of a near death situation.

I got my tux dirty. And I have nowhere but upwards to go from here. I have been letting my life get bugged down by unnecessary fear, ego and bad habits. I let my impulses guide me. But I need to stop that. I need to garner control of my life back.

I will become a regular in blogging again.

I will balance my life out.

And most importantly, I will never feel pathetic again in my life.

I hope.

:-)

THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!

I break my prolonged silence to bring you the news of something very important, probably the most important thing in my life so far. That, and to let you know that I am still alive.

Now that you know I am alive, let's get to the second part, shall we?

It is Thursday. Around 9:30 in the night. On most nights I am either in front of the TV or reading some book or sleeping at this time. But somehow, that fateful night I was staring at my gmail inbox. And I found something staring back at me.

Microsoft. Naam toh suna hoga…

Yup, Microsoft, the software giant had invited me to Cochin for an internship test!!! I had submitted my resume about 10 days ago and now, I was one of the shortlisted candidates!!!Oh lord…THIS WAS AWESOME!!!

Cutting short the travel details, I ended up in Cochin on Friday night. Everything was ready. The test was scheduled to start on Saturday morning and end by evening, so I was ready to leave by a 4:30 train. Everything was ready. Except I hadn't studied.

I tried to do as much as I could in the night and next morning. The rest was all in His hands and I went to my examination centre. The test began late and ended by 11:30. It was pretty easy, basic C++ stuff and the like. On the whole I think I did pretty well. Now came the wait for the results of round 1. It was expected to be out by 3:00.

3:00…3:30……

Oh it seems now that results will be out by 4:00.

My 4:30 train plan? Out of the window.

4:00…4:30….

Oh, apparently they are conducting this test in centres across India and can only announce results after every centre has completed. Great.

The results did come. At 5:45.

And…..

…..

…..

I WAS IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

And now came round two. And it was easier than I expected. I solved the two programs easily. However, when it comes to execution time, my second program is too slow.

And this might cost me.

Dearly.

Anyhow, I was done…and I have to wait a whole 2 weeks or so for the results. Anyhow, this is what happened later.

It was 7:00 PM. No vehicles to get me to the railway station. I desperately needed to catch the 8:30 train atleast.

7:20.

Still no vehicle. And completely out of the blue, I saw an auto a short distance from there,  and he agreed to take me to the railway station. He also informed me that it was very difficult to get vehicles after 6:00 there. And it was pure chance that he had been there.

Chance? Or the Hand of God?

I believe the latter.

I made it and am now home.

Oh Lord, this is AWESOME!!! Thank You SO MUCH!!!

Horror and Hope:The Only Way to Get Closer to God

Today, in the span of about 12 hours I realized that God exists. God is there to help us and guide us through our hopelessly mundane lives, and be a beacon of hope when all seems lost. And when we, his Sons and Daughters, turn apathetic, he gently nudges us to believe. He encourages us to have faith, and believe in Him.
And most of the time, he does this using the only way we learn through. By letting us go through two phases which etch themselves in our minds forever.
Horror.
And hope.
It's the only way we learn.
Today morning I woke up, made my way to the kitchen and turned on the induction cooker, as I have done a million times in the past. But somehow, this time, the sound echoing out of the cooker was a little different. I let it slide, knowing little that that was the sound of approaching doom.
Boom.
No, I was not blasted out as the cooker exploded into a million pieces. But the circuit just tripped. Oh crap, I said to myself. But, my "scientific" mind told me, "It's a problem with how the kitchen is wired. See, it didn't trip immediately, it took a few seconds before it blew out. Try plugging it in your bed room."
My intuition told me repeatedly, "No, don't do it…It's a trap. Don't fall into the pit of reason…"
But as everywhere in the modern world, scientific thought and rational thinking won. I plugged it in my room.
BOOM.
Again, the same as before…I wasn't blasted out…yada yada yada. The circuit tripped.
No big deal.
I went to the MCB (Miniature Circuit Breaker, not Main Course Book…) and put the two tripped switches right. The one in the kitchen was set all right, but the one in my room, oh shit, it had absolutely no intention of getting set. I was literally up the creek without a paddle…………….
No, rational thought told me to go up and turn all the switches off and try again, while Intuition just sat there shrugging his shoulders as he mouthed, "I told you so…".
I tried. To no damn avail.
I was running out of time. I was running out of options. I had to get to college, but the thought bit me in the back of my head all day long. I was stuck in a room with no light or fan (strangely, one light worked fine…) for God knows how long. I was back in the stone age. I was back in the 1900s.
Hell, I can't live in the 1970's let alone the 1990's or the Stone Age.
I prayed to God, to somehow show me a way, to somehow put everything right. I had faith. I had hope that my Lord would deliver me. Somehow.
And he did.
I returned back home. There was no power there. I mean, the whole area, not just the room. Now was the test. I prayed to God, kept as many of my fingers crossed as possible and put it right.
And it went right down again.
This got me thinking. This is insane. There is no current in the whole area, let alone the circuit, then how could this guy be tripping? And I found the answer. It was not tripping due to the current. It was loose. After a small test of strength, he sat upright, straight.
And as soon as I reached upstairs, the power was restored, and man oh man, I was back in the 21st century.
Thank you my King for Saving Me.
Now many of you will say, it was a coincidence, it was pure logic, and God played no part in it. But to me, he was the whole play. If the power was there, I might have just put the switch right a couple of times, then accepted my inability and just left, suffering the wretched life of the early days for no damn reason. But I didn't have to.
Still not convinced?
Well, I can only say this…
In this world, there are two types of people. One type sees signs, and the other type sees miracles. For those who sees signs, it is 50:50. It can be good, it can be bad. But for those who see miracles, they know that whatever it is, God will be there for them, and that fills them up with hope.
All you've got to decide is this. Do you see signs, or do you see miracles???


( This is not the first time I have been in this position. But that is another post…….)

Twist of Fate!!!

कभी कभी तो लगे ज़िन्दगी में रही न ख़ुशी और न मज़ा
कभी कभी तो लगे हर दिन मुश्किल और हर पल एक सज़ा
.....................................................................................
लेकिन रात के बाद ही तो सवेरा होता हें ........................

Remember these lines from Jaane tu ya Janne Na??? I do, and today I absolutely realise what it means. Let me explain.
We have 5 days holidays starting last yesterday. And I could have easily gone home yesterday. But I had a small problem. I had to go to the University and give my marklist for revision and collect the revised marklist. I decided to go to the University, surrender my original marklist, and if possible, collect my new marklist and go home at noon. I had of course, envisioned the perfect situation where there would be no delay between the two. But my oh my, you wouldn't believe who I met on the way.
Say hello again to my old friend, Mr. Uncertainty, whom I like to call the Devil's Favourite Demon. I handed in my marklist, and I heard the officer say, "Come back tomorrow".
Oh Lord.

My friend, Mr.uncertainty...modelled after Spring heeled jack

My breath ceased momentarily. The whole office was filled with a resounding silence, the eerie type which is often synonymous with death itself. The world stopped spinning. The entire universe itself, stopped dead in its tracks (if the Universe actually moves, that is).
The only thing I could hear was the loud crackling laughter from the Demon. His eyes alive with joy, his mouth opened wide in delight, a loud, rasping laugh echoing from his throat, his blood red tongue stuck out at me. And as the reality sunk in that I would not be able to go home today, I saw him mouth the words, "I got you!!!"
I have no words to describe how I felt as I walked out of the University building. I wanted to grab that demon, lock him in an excruciatingly painful kimura lock and rip him apart, limb by skinny limb. I carried that anger with me to bed last night, and I woke up today in a foul mood. To only add fuel to the fire, the current went out, and I was left with absolutely nothing to do. I had a book on web designing to read, but it was so complicated I wanted to rip it to shreds (library book, couldn't do it...). If there is one thing that can potentially turn a sane man into an insane lunatic, it is boredom.
But at noon, I went to the University. Knowing full well that the University has no real time limits and all, I was doubtful if I'd get it today. All the way I was telling myself (yes, I talk to myself, a LOT...) that it was no big deal, if I didn't get it today, I'd go and get it some other day, and the like. But I was praying and I had my fingers crossed for the opposite.
As I reached the University and asked the madam about it, she went and got it. I breathed a sigh of relief. I was going to get it today. And as I glanced at my marklist, I saw something. B had been changed to S.
( S>A+>A>B+>B...).And I got a great GPA of 9.43. Just 0.05 below the topper in our class. I was still second in my class, but I had reached cloud nine in one leap. Oh Lord, what can I say. I love you so so so very much.
And from this I learned one thing. Every down has an up. Every night has a day. Every tear is followed by a smile. Have faith in God, work hard and relax. Everything will be fine.
And, to conclude, to the Demon....
I know you and I will clash again. And it can be as early as tomorrow. But whatever you have up your sleeve, I say bring it on. Because someone said...
"That which doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger..."
So, you can just go to h....
Hey, don't draw out your sword and all, I was kidding. Can't we get along??????????????????

On Uncertainty...

Uncertainty.

This is one of the most despicable words in the English language if you ask me. It is the exact opposite of order and is synonymous with chaos. But why do I dislike and possibly hate uncertainty?

Because I thrive on order. I thrive in a structure, and I was raised in a structure. This makes me increasingly intolerable of chaos and uncertainty. But to my utter dismay, everything around me, my whole life seems to be in turmoil.

Well, to call it turmoil would be a gross hyperbole, but you get my point. Nothing is ever set in stone around here. Right now what is causing me to lose focus is the sudden barrage of strikes and a possible postponement of  a test.

Allow me to explain.

A test was supposed to happen in the beginning of next week. And I had plans for the weekend. Plans which involved spending time with my relatives back home. And like always, my plans were thrashed by the wicked demon called Uncertainty. But, over the years, I have learnt a very valuable lesson from my encounters with this demon. And it is the fact that if you have a proper plan, and the will, you can look the demon in the eye and say "Bring it on".

And that was exactly what I did. I made it a point to study, and I did just that for the past one week. I decided that I would finish my portions beforehand so that nothing could ruin my weekend. And I was proud of what I had done. I was proud of the fact that I had beaten the demon at his own game, and I had seized control of my life.

But alas, pride comes before a fall.

That, and I forgot the demon is shrewd.

He did the one thing he could to throw me off course. He spread a rumour that the test would be put off. And that really caught me off guard. I didn't know what to do. I lost my drive to study because my logic told me that the test would be put off. But the critic in me just pops the question stochastically (randomly)  - "What if it isn't?" You can tell me all you want that I should study because it will never go "waste", and I know I would do the same if I were in your shoes and you mine. But the thing is whoever is in my position, knows it is not easy. When you are confronted with the possibility of a postponement, you lose half the vigour to work. And when that possibility becomes a near-damn probability, you lose all the will. It is a fact. Not necessarily a good thing, but a thing nevertheless.

This day is over, and tomorrow, the uncertainty ends. Tomorrow, the dust settles and the demon's ploy ends. Tomorrow, whatever happens, I am going home. I am determined to have a good time no matter what. But Donald Trump's words come to mind,

"See the big picture. But be prepared for the picture to change."

I think of it as a slightly different phrase,

"Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst."