I didn't fail !!!!!!!!

If you've not read my posts Dead Again and Trying to Rise, I strongly advise you to do so before you proceed, but its up to you.

I have been walking on broken glass ever since that day. Every mention of someone failing, someone who didn't make it, any mention of our results, it really got under my skin. In fact, the first couple of months I couldn't even read the microprocessors text book without having to close my eyes and telling myself to relax because it was conveniently littered with references to 74LS138 and 74LS151, all unhappy reminders of the day when my life turned hell. The past couple of months, I have been telling myself it's okay, it's okay to stumble up on this long journey called life, and that it's important to rise every time you fall. But scriptures and proverbs and quotes do not ease a tensed mind. Why?

Because I have never flunked an exam. I always get good marks and I am always at the top.

Quoting Conan O' Brian,

"Success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you're desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way."

I had the tuxedo on.

 I had kept it from getting dirty for so long that I couldn't picture myself in a dirty tuxedo.

And I was out in a marshy swamp.

I could die in this swamp, but even if I didn't die, I most certainly would get my tuxedo dirty.

And I did.

8.81.

Yup that's it. .9.43,9.31 and finally 8.81.

Am I grateful I didn't fail, that I didn't have to die in that swamp? Hell YES!!! Thank God I didn't fail. And I know that God alone saved me from that terrible fate.

Am I disappointed I didn't come out at the top? Yes. Begrudgingly I have to say yes. But that is too much to ask for, especially when you've come out of a near death situation.

I got my tux dirty. And I have nowhere but upwards to go from here. I have been letting my life get bugged down by unnecessary fear, ego and bad habits. I let my impulses guide me. But I need to stop that. I need to garner control of my life back.

I will become a regular in blogging again.

I will balance my life out.

And most importantly, I will never feel pathetic again in my life.

I hope.

:-)

First Year Results Out to Get Me...

A month and a half of speculation, six months since the exam, the much awaited first year results have been declared.
Drum roll would be much appreciated at this time...9.17. Yup, that's right no marks, no percentages, no nothing, just plain Grade Point Average.
It's not like I am on cloud nine, it's not like I am jumping all over the place...I am a wee bit disappointed. Can't help it, that is just the way I am. I promised myself at the start of college that I wont get all heated up over being the topper, and would just do my best and leave the rest, but that is never ever going to happen. What good is giving your best if it doesn't make you the best? I got beaten, I got clobbered.
But for every down, there is an up. Without falling you will not rise, without darkness there will be no light, without pain there will be no gain, then and only then shall victory bow down before you, and you shall smell the sweetness of success.
Hey, I didn't create this, it is the ad for TNA.
But it's got a whole lot of truth in it...

Discrete What???

3 down, and three to go. that's the state of my exams right now. Today I had to endure a torturous bout with discrete structures. I went into the exam hall with my mind buzzing with all the conditions a group must satisfy to be abelian or a ring and the like. And my friends asked me the question I've learnt not to ask anymore-"What's the point of all this?"
And after I received the question paper, I was like "This is it?" . No, no,no it was not that it was easy. It was just that nothing made sense. A question which could only be answered in 3 lines was worth 4 marks. And a single truth table with 8 rows and around 8 columns was worth 10! I mean, what is the logic in all this? And I made my usual set of mistakes. Its back. Yeah. Its been gone for nearly a year and half, but now it is officially back. I am talking about the answer-right-then-cut syndrome that has plagued me for so long...I always write the first answer that pops into my mind, and stick with it, until it is dis-proven logically. On those rare occasions when I don't know an answer or have got a lot of guesses about it, I usually get beaten by this syndrome. Almost always I write the correct answer and then strike it off and replace it with a wrong one. I had no idea what a strongly connected graph was and I ended up writing the correct definition, then cut it, and wrote the wrong one!!!
Well on the whole a "not bad" exam. That's 3 down and 3 to go!!!

FYI: Discrete structures is a maths like subject useful for computer students. You learn about logic, sets and algebra in that.