If you've not read my
posts Dead Again and Trying to Rise, I strongly advise you to do so
before you proceed, but its up to you.
I have been walking
on broken glass ever since that day. Every mention of someone failing, someone
who didn't make it, any mention of our results, it really got under my skin. In
fact, the first couple of months I couldn't even read the microprocessors text
book without having to close my eyes and telling myself to relax because it was
conveniently littered with references to 74LS138 and 74LS151, all unhappy
reminders of the day when my life turned hell. The past couple of months, I
have been telling myself it's okay, it's okay to stumble up on this long
journey called life, and that it's important to rise every time you fall. But
scriptures and proverbs and quotes do not ease a tensed mind. Why?
Because I have never
flunked an exam. I always get good marks and I am always at the top.
Quoting Conan O'
Brian,
"Success is a
lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then
you're desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way."
I had the tuxedo on.
I had kept it from getting dirty for so long
that I couldn't picture myself in a dirty tuxedo.
And I was out in a
marshy swamp.
I could die in this
swamp, but even if I didn't die, I most certainly would get my tuxedo dirty.
And I did.
8.81.
Yup that's it.
.9.43,9.31 and finally 8.81.
Am I grateful I
didn't fail, that I didn't have to die in that swamp? Hell YES!!! Thank God I
didn't fail. And I know that God alone saved me from that terrible fate.
Am I disappointed I
didn't come out at the top? Yes. Begrudgingly I have to say yes. But that is
too much to ask for, especially when you've come out of a near death situation.
I got my tux dirty.
And I have nowhere but upwards to go from here. I have been letting my life get
bugged down by unnecessary fear, ego and bad habits. I let my impulses guide
me. But I need to stop that. I need to garner control of my life back.
I will become a
regular in blogging again.
I will balance my
life out.
And most
importantly, I will never feel pathetic again in my life.
I hope.
:-)
