I didn't fail !!!!!!!!

If you've not read my posts Dead Again and Trying to Rise, I strongly advise you to do so before you proceed, but its up to you.

I have been walking on broken glass ever since that day. Every mention of someone failing, someone who didn't make it, any mention of our results, it really got under my skin. In fact, the first couple of months I couldn't even read the microprocessors text book without having to close my eyes and telling myself to relax because it was conveniently littered with references to 74LS138 and 74LS151, all unhappy reminders of the day when my life turned hell. The past couple of months, I have been telling myself it's okay, it's okay to stumble up on this long journey called life, and that it's important to rise every time you fall. But scriptures and proverbs and quotes do not ease a tensed mind. Why?

Because I have never flunked an exam. I always get good marks and I am always at the top.

Quoting Conan O' Brian,

"Success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you're desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way."

I had the tuxedo on.

 I had kept it from getting dirty for so long that I couldn't picture myself in a dirty tuxedo.

And I was out in a marshy swamp.

I could die in this swamp, but even if I didn't die, I most certainly would get my tuxedo dirty.

And I did.

8.81.

Yup that's it. .9.43,9.31 and finally 8.81.

Am I grateful I didn't fail, that I didn't have to die in that swamp? Hell YES!!! Thank God I didn't fail. And I know that God alone saved me from that terrible fate.

Am I disappointed I didn't come out at the top? Yes. Begrudgingly I have to say yes. But that is too much to ask for, especially when you've come out of a near death situation.

I got my tux dirty. And I have nowhere but upwards to go from here. I have been letting my life get bugged down by unnecessary fear, ego and bad habits. I let my impulses guide me. But I need to stop that. I need to garner control of my life back.

I will become a regular in blogging again.

I will balance my life out.

And most importantly, I will never feel pathetic again in my life.

I hope.

:-)

THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!

I break my prolonged silence to bring you the news of something very important, probably the most important thing in my life so far. That, and to let you know that I am still alive.

Now that you know I am alive, let's get to the second part, shall we?

It is Thursday. Around 9:30 in the night. On most nights I am either in front of the TV or reading some book or sleeping at this time. But somehow, that fateful night I was staring at my gmail inbox. And I found something staring back at me.

Microsoft. Naam toh suna hoga…

Yup, Microsoft, the software giant had invited me to Cochin for an internship test!!! I had submitted my resume about 10 days ago and now, I was one of the shortlisted candidates!!!Oh lord…THIS WAS AWESOME!!!

Cutting short the travel details, I ended up in Cochin on Friday night. Everything was ready. The test was scheduled to start on Saturday morning and end by evening, so I was ready to leave by a 4:30 train. Everything was ready. Except I hadn't studied.

I tried to do as much as I could in the night and next morning. The rest was all in His hands and I went to my examination centre. The test began late and ended by 11:30. It was pretty easy, basic C++ stuff and the like. On the whole I think I did pretty well. Now came the wait for the results of round 1. It was expected to be out by 3:00.

3:00…3:30……

Oh it seems now that results will be out by 4:00.

My 4:30 train plan? Out of the window.

4:00…4:30….

Oh, apparently they are conducting this test in centres across India and can only announce results after every centre has completed. Great.

The results did come. At 5:45.

And…..

…..

…..

I WAS IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

And now came round two. And it was easier than I expected. I solved the two programs easily. However, when it comes to execution time, my second program is too slow.

And this might cost me.

Dearly.

Anyhow, I was done…and I have to wait a whole 2 weeks or so for the results. Anyhow, this is what happened later.

It was 7:00 PM. No vehicles to get me to the railway station. I desperately needed to catch the 8:30 train atleast.

7:20.

Still no vehicle. And completely out of the blue, I saw an auto a short distance from there,  and he agreed to take me to the railway station. He also informed me that it was very difficult to get vehicles after 6:00 there. And it was pure chance that he had been there.

Chance? Or the Hand of God?

I believe the latter.

I made it and am now home.

Oh Lord, this is AWESOME!!! Thank You SO MUCH!!!

Horror and Hope:The Only Way to Get Closer to God

Today, in the span of about 12 hours I realized that God exists. God is there to help us and guide us through our hopelessly mundane lives, and be a beacon of hope when all seems lost. And when we, his Sons and Daughters, turn apathetic, he gently nudges us to believe. He encourages us to have faith, and believe in Him.
And most of the time, he does this using the only way we learn through. By letting us go through two phases which etch themselves in our minds forever.
Horror.
And hope.
It's the only way we learn.
Today morning I woke up, made my way to the kitchen and turned on the induction cooker, as I have done a million times in the past. But somehow, this time, the sound echoing out of the cooker was a little different. I let it slide, knowing little that that was the sound of approaching doom.
Boom.
No, I was not blasted out as the cooker exploded into a million pieces. But the circuit just tripped. Oh crap, I said to myself. But, my "scientific" mind told me, "It's a problem with how the kitchen is wired. See, it didn't trip immediately, it took a few seconds before it blew out. Try plugging it in your bed room."
My intuition told me repeatedly, "No, don't do it…It's a trap. Don't fall into the pit of reason…"
But as everywhere in the modern world, scientific thought and rational thinking won. I plugged it in my room.
BOOM.
Again, the same as before…I wasn't blasted out…yada yada yada. The circuit tripped.
No big deal.
I went to the MCB (Miniature Circuit Breaker, not Main Course Book…) and put the two tripped switches right. The one in the kitchen was set all right, but the one in my room, oh shit, it had absolutely no intention of getting set. I was literally up the creek without a paddle…………….
No, rational thought told me to go up and turn all the switches off and try again, while Intuition just sat there shrugging his shoulders as he mouthed, "I told you so…".
I tried. To no damn avail.
I was running out of time. I was running out of options. I had to get to college, but the thought bit me in the back of my head all day long. I was stuck in a room with no light or fan (strangely, one light worked fine…) for God knows how long. I was back in the stone age. I was back in the 1900s.
Hell, I can't live in the 1970's let alone the 1990's or the Stone Age.
I prayed to God, to somehow show me a way, to somehow put everything right. I had faith. I had hope that my Lord would deliver me. Somehow.
And he did.
I returned back home. There was no power there. I mean, the whole area, not just the room. Now was the test. I prayed to God, kept as many of my fingers crossed as possible and put it right.
And it went right down again.
This got me thinking. This is insane. There is no current in the whole area, let alone the circuit, then how could this guy be tripping? And I found the answer. It was not tripping due to the current. It was loose. After a small test of strength, he sat upright, straight.
And as soon as I reached upstairs, the power was restored, and man oh man, I was back in the 21st century.
Thank you my King for Saving Me.
Now many of you will say, it was a coincidence, it was pure logic, and God played no part in it. But to me, he was the whole play. If the power was there, I might have just put the switch right a couple of times, then accepted my inability and just left, suffering the wretched life of the early days for no damn reason. But I didn't have to.
Still not convinced?
Well, I can only say this…
In this world, there are two types of people. One type sees signs, and the other type sees miracles. For those who sees signs, it is 50:50. It can be good, it can be bad. But for those who see miracles, they know that whatever it is, God will be there for them, and that fills them up with hope.
All you've got to decide is this. Do you see signs, or do you see miracles???


( This is not the first time I have been in this position. But that is another post…….)

Twist of Fate!!!

कभी कभी तो लगे ज़िन्दगी में रही न ख़ुशी और न मज़ा
कभी कभी तो लगे हर दिन मुश्किल और हर पल एक सज़ा
.....................................................................................
लेकिन रात के बाद ही तो सवेरा होता हें ........................

Remember these lines from Jaane tu ya Janne Na??? I do, and today I absolutely realise what it means. Let me explain.
We have 5 days holidays starting last yesterday. And I could have easily gone home yesterday. But I had a small problem. I had to go to the University and give my marklist for revision and collect the revised marklist. I decided to go to the University, surrender my original marklist, and if possible, collect my new marklist and go home at noon. I had of course, envisioned the perfect situation where there would be no delay between the two. But my oh my, you wouldn't believe who I met on the way.
Say hello again to my old friend, Mr. Uncertainty, whom I like to call the Devil's Favourite Demon. I handed in my marklist, and I heard the officer say, "Come back tomorrow".
Oh Lord.

My friend, Mr.uncertainty...modelled after Spring heeled jack

My breath ceased momentarily. The whole office was filled with a resounding silence, the eerie type which is often synonymous with death itself. The world stopped spinning. The entire universe itself, stopped dead in its tracks (if the Universe actually moves, that is).
The only thing I could hear was the loud crackling laughter from the Demon. His eyes alive with joy, his mouth opened wide in delight, a loud, rasping laugh echoing from his throat, his blood red tongue stuck out at me. And as the reality sunk in that I would not be able to go home today, I saw him mouth the words, "I got you!!!"
I have no words to describe how I felt as I walked out of the University building. I wanted to grab that demon, lock him in an excruciatingly painful kimura lock and rip him apart, limb by skinny limb. I carried that anger with me to bed last night, and I woke up today in a foul mood. To only add fuel to the fire, the current went out, and I was left with absolutely nothing to do. I had a book on web designing to read, but it was so complicated I wanted to rip it to shreds (library book, couldn't do it...). If there is one thing that can potentially turn a sane man into an insane lunatic, it is boredom.
But at noon, I went to the University. Knowing full well that the University has no real time limits and all, I was doubtful if I'd get it today. All the way I was telling myself (yes, I talk to myself, a LOT...) that it was no big deal, if I didn't get it today, I'd go and get it some other day, and the like. But I was praying and I had my fingers crossed for the opposite.
As I reached the University and asked the madam about it, she went and got it. I breathed a sigh of relief. I was going to get it today. And as I glanced at my marklist, I saw something. B had been changed to S.
( S>A+>A>B+>B...).And I got a great GPA of 9.43. Just 0.05 below the topper in our class. I was still second in my class, but I had reached cloud nine in one leap. Oh Lord, what can I say. I love you so so so very much.
And from this I learned one thing. Every down has an up. Every night has a day. Every tear is followed by a smile. Have faith in God, work hard and relax. Everything will be fine.
And, to conclude, to the Demon....
I know you and I will clash again. And it can be as early as tomorrow. But whatever you have up your sleeve, I say bring it on. Because someone said...
"That which doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger..."
So, you can just go to h....
Hey, don't draw out your sword and all, I was kidding. Can't we get along??????????????????

On Uncertainty...

Uncertainty.

This is one of the most despicable words in the English language if you ask me. It is the exact opposite of order and is synonymous with chaos. But why do I dislike and possibly hate uncertainty?

Because I thrive on order. I thrive in a structure, and I was raised in a structure. This makes me increasingly intolerable of chaos and uncertainty. But to my utter dismay, everything around me, my whole life seems to be in turmoil.

Well, to call it turmoil would be a gross hyperbole, but you get my point. Nothing is ever set in stone around here. Right now what is causing me to lose focus is the sudden barrage of strikes and a possible postponement of  a test.

Allow me to explain.

A test was supposed to happen in the beginning of next week. And I had plans for the weekend. Plans which involved spending time with my relatives back home. And like always, my plans were thrashed by the wicked demon called Uncertainty. But, over the years, I have learnt a very valuable lesson from my encounters with this demon. And it is the fact that if you have a proper plan, and the will, you can look the demon in the eye and say "Bring it on".

And that was exactly what I did. I made it a point to study, and I did just that for the past one week. I decided that I would finish my portions beforehand so that nothing could ruin my weekend. And I was proud of what I had done. I was proud of the fact that I had beaten the demon at his own game, and I had seized control of my life.

But alas, pride comes before a fall.

That, and I forgot the demon is shrewd.

He did the one thing he could to throw me off course. He spread a rumour that the test would be put off. And that really caught me off guard. I didn't know what to do. I lost my drive to study because my logic told me that the test would be put off. But the critic in me just pops the question stochastically (randomly)  - "What if it isn't?" You can tell me all you want that I should study because it will never go "waste", and I know I would do the same if I were in your shoes and you mine. But the thing is whoever is in my position, knows it is not easy. When you are confronted with the possibility of a postponement, you lose half the vigour to work. And when that possibility becomes a near-damn probability, you lose all the will. It is a fact. Not necessarily a good thing, but a thing nevertheless.

This day is over, and tomorrow, the uncertainty ends. Tomorrow, the dust settles and the demon's ploy ends. Tomorrow, whatever happens, I am going home. I am determined to have a good time no matter what. But Donald Trump's words come to mind,

"See the big picture. But be prepared for the picture to change."

I think of it as a slightly different phrase,

"Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst."

Ouroboros...

This is a post about how our lives change during the course of school and college days and is dedicated to all Indian students who have gone through the same.

Until 10th, I enjoyed a cool and collected nature. I could study when I wanted and it was no big deal. Enter 10th. 10th year is board year. And we were forced to study endlessly for hours on end and finally the board exams came and went. and it seriously was a piece of cake. And to think what our teachers said about it. They said it would guide our destinies. Seriously nearly 4 years after it, I have no idea how it did, or if it ever did.

Enter 11th and 12th. 12th is once again board year. But that was not so much of a cause of concern for me. Because once you write your 10th board, you begin to realize that all of this fear that the teachers have instilled in you is just a way to make sure you get good marks and enhance the school's reputation. In reality, it is just an exam like the many that came before it. If you prepare well, you will reap its benefits.

But my real cause of concern was the entrance exams which decide which professional course I could get into.  I had ditched medicine already and so I just had to focus on engineering. Here comes entrance coaching. Every Sunday I had to endure about 6 hours of class. And back then, Sunday was the only holiday I actually got. I was forced to mug up a lot of facts and was asked to speed up my calculations. I never really focused on IIT or NIT for that matter and consequently when I gave the tests, I flunked big time. But I got in on my state entrance.

I have been studying in my college for 2 years and have 2 more years to go, but this is where something else comes in.This is where its deja-vu all over again. Once I pass out, I have a couple of options – either take a job as a software engineer, go for M Tech or MBA, and plus I can do this out of the country. I don’t seem to have an affinity for the always-on-the-edge, hectic and tense schedule that governs a software engineer’s life, and I am no good at management. So the option left it to do my M Tech either here or out of the country. I used to love the fact that I could travel out of the country, but now that I think about it, I am not so sure. Another country means another culture, another set of rules ans a complete transformation. And I am not so sure if that is what I want. I think I’ll be comfortable right here in my own country.

But that requires me to give another entrance exam, and that means it is that time again…entrance coaching. Sundays are going down the drain again. And this just about ruins my bimonthly plans of heading home and relaxing. So a part of me feels reluctant and uncertain about taking the step. But this is the cowardly part of me, this is the part of me that likes comfort. There is another part of me, the competitive side, that is ready to go. Ready to go and extract revenge for the humiliating defeat I endured two years ago. So as usual, I am torn into two pieces with no hope of co-existing. One part has to be crushed down. Or better still one part must endorse the intentions of the other for the greater good.

And it had better be the comfort loving me who gives in.

One week to decide and make up my mind.

But this really brings forth the lies and chaos that we are born into. My parents told me, it would all be easy after 10th. After that they said it’d be better after 12th and you get into a good college. After that they said it would be better after college. And we are again in the same endless loop.

Life is never ending. And along the way, we have to make sacrifices. But don’t ever think that life is divided into semesters and you get holidays. The pressures of life never stop. There is only one way to get away from this. Enjoy everything you do. 

But that is easier said than done.

( FYI: an ouroboros is a picture of a snake devouring it own head and it a mystical symbol of continuity)

Marooned...

No, I was not drenched in a coat of maroon paint, if that’s what you are thinking. I am referring to the other meaning of marooned. The dictionary provides this definition:

ma·roon 

tr.v. ma·rooned, ma·roon·ing, ma·roons

1. To put ashore on a deserted island or coast and intentionally abandon.

2. To abandon or isolate with little hope of ready rescue or escape: The travelers were marooned by the blizzard.

n.

1. often Maroon

a. A fugitive Black slave in the West Indies in the 17th and 18th centuries.

b. A descendant of such a slave.

2. A person who is marooned, as on an island.

It has been a long time since I posted. It was partly because of a lack of inspiration and partly because of  certain technical problems. My modem just quit working. I had to wait an entire week to replace it, and in that time, I was effectively marooned.

But this leads us to think about one of the most ubiquitous things in our life. Something which has become  such an important part of our life, that we fail to see its influence in our lives. Just like we don’t know the value of water till the well has gone dry, we don’t see the value of the internet till you are effectively taken off of the web. I was, and I realized how much I relied on the web. We had a function at our college during that time, and I was supposed to design the powerpoint presentation, and boom! I no longer had access to pictures, or information to do that. I wanted to check my mail for the info the others had shared with me. But hey….you need a net connection for that. So stupid of me. To check out a video on youtube, or for that matter google the results of an important wrestling PPV, apparently both google and youtube are on the web as well, silly me.

I was cut off from most of my life. This has taught me a very important lesson in life. You don’t value the things you take for granted. You only realize their value, and what they meant to you when you lose them. In my case, it was a simple case to restore, but it need not always be so.