Trying to Rise

Ever since I nearly flunked my digital lab exam, things have been going downhill for me, and life's been souring fast. A slight mention of someone not passing, any side note about a failure makes my heart go limp. It seems as though all of my blood vessels are constricting and I am being squeezed into nothing. Something goes off in the bottom of my stomach, and I feel reduced to nothing.

My self confidence has been severely mutilated, and right now I am not sure I will amount to anything in life. The only thing I had for all my life was this, my ability to always deliver, always get good marks no matter what the circumstances, and as and when I lose that ability, I become nothing. I get reduced to a worthless piece of crap.

See this is how writing helps you. Once I typed the above lines, I myself enunciated my problem. I began to associate my accolades and accomplishments for me. I began seeing the two as one and the same. I went to such a level that they were inseparable. For me, the only reason I exist is because I can achieve something. The second I cease to get good marks and all, I cease to exist. I began to think that I need the approval of everyone around me, and for me the only way to get that approval was to be the topper. I had put myself into a world of trouble, and I had no idea what I had got myself into.

See this is a problem that comes to a lot of people. Ego. Often we mistake the ego for our true selves, and that happened to me too. The ego needs the approval of people around us and seeks to gain it by any means whatsoever. If it doesn’t get it, it reacts. It reacts by making us feel bad, it reacts by putting us in a desperate state and gently nudges us to do something to gain the attention of others around us once more. What we don't realize is that we do not need the whole-hearted approval of everyone around us. We can feel secure within ourselves. Once we do that, we reach a place where we are not bothered by the results of our actions. We know that no matter what happens we will always be ourselves, and that none of our mistakes can diminish what we are really worth. We begin to perform with only one thing in mind, and that is the action. When Sachin Tendulkar goes to the ground to bat, he doesn’t think about his centuries, he doesn’t think about what people will think, he thinks about just performing. Sure, he gets out for a duck, and sure he hits centuries. But all that doesn’t change the fact that he is the best there is.

That is all easily said than done. What has been programmed into us for years is not necessarily erased in a day or two. It takes consistent hard work, persistence and dedication. We can't change what has happened. We can't erase the mistakes that we made. We can only try to live without repeating those mistakes again. We can change our way of thinking. No one can evaluate or rate us without our consent.

In fact I am glad this nervous breakdown came now rather than later. Now I can analyse what went wrong, and change myself. Sure it is going to hurt when you poke and probe into an open wound, but it is better to probe it now and clean it than leave it to fester later.

As someone said,

"Only through weakness can a soul gain strength" 

Dead Again...

I nearly flunked my digital lab exam. I couldn't get a full output. I got only a partial output. I am dead. I lost. It is over…..

Safari...

  The animal safari was in a jeep, open on both sides. Each jeep seated about 6. The route was by tarred roads, lined by dense forest on both sides. This was part of a tiger reserve, and you had a fair chance of catching wild animals here. We saw peacocks and peahens first. Some were shy and ran away quickly. Still others were determined to pose for the cameras. Then came the wild boars and elephants. Herds of deer ran here and there. But there was something missing. Monkeys.

It was only on our return trip that we saw a large group of monkeys and languor. Nothing much to say here, see for yourself... 

Bear Mountain Resort

Hi everyone!!!

It has been sometime since I posted. I had been to Bear Mountain Resort in Masinagudi near Ooty during this time. Here is a short description of the place and the whole set up , with photos.

Personal photos have been omitted for privacy reasons.

We reached Bear Mountain Resort, Masinagudi at around 1 in the afternoon. The entire resort was set in around 4 acres of land, flanked  by gigantic peaks covered in vegetation. The whole place was meant to recreate an outdoor camping experience. Exquisite flowers, and green bushes were set along every inch of the expanse, and steps were either made out of rocks or lined with rocks. Dogs, 

literally hundreds of them, ran along the whole area freely, and they made every breed imaginable from Rottweiler to Labrador and what not (I am no good with dogs and their breeds!!!). Nothing to worry of course, they were very friendly and you could walk with them, pat them and everything without fear.

We reached our camp. There were two bathrooms and beside them lay a metal staircase. The landing atop it was made of wood, with a shelf and table with a couple of chairs. In the centre lay a big tent. The tent was awesome, except for a couple of holes and could hold three. There were beds inside them, so you don't have to sleep on the cold hard floor. One more staircase led to the second floor where again you get the same paraphernalia with the addition of some potted plants. Above us, a thatched roof protected us from the heavens opening up.  We had a clear view of the forest nearby, and we saw deer literally seconds into the trip. A barbed wire fence separated us from the forest and was meant to keep us in and the wild animals out.

 

Hammocks lined every few metres in the expanse, and there were many thatch roof sheds with chairs and tables. A table tennis court, a badminton court, volleyball court, and cricket court, all with floodlights, were the icing on the cake. There was a restaurant which served food at particular times of the day. It was a buffet, and you could pile your plate with anything you want.

As night falls, they begin to set out the chairs and prepare for camp fire. Every group camping there get a separate campfire. You also get snacks like pakodas, chicken tikka, drinks like coke, mirinda  etc there. You can sing and dance all you want and they will relight the fire when it goes out.

That’s all folks, next post is about the safari...

A Tearful Farewell to a Young Star

A Nepal flight crashed a couple of days ago. I don't know how many of us paid attention to it, we are used to such news. I didn't for one. But recently I came to know that death played a most sadistic game that night. It claimed a young girl from our midst. Not just a young girl, but one with so much talent and so much potential that her loss will be felt throughout. It claimed Taruni Sachdev.
Who is this girl, you ask? If you are a malayali, look no further. Remember the little girl in Vellinakshatram? That is her. At such a young age, she gave such a stunning performance, so much that it is rated "perfection" by senior actors. Starring in a lot of commercials, and even appearing alongside Big B Amitabh Bachchan himself in Paa, she did things in 14 years which most of us never do.
But death proved why he is a sadistic clown with no remorse when he claimed her life, not only that, on her 14th birthday as well.
Taruni will never be forgotten. She will live on in our hearts forever.

Trip Down Memory Lane : First Impressions are NOT Always the Best

Everyone seems to be jumping on to the bandwagon and saying that "First Impression is the Best Impression", but here is a story to contradict that and to prove that appearances can be deceptive. Or better still, my favourite translation of that "Everything is not what it seems to be like"

I told you about how I switched schools. And when I came here, there was a boy in my class, I will call him SK, who was the class leader. He was notorious, but well liked. He would stand in front of the class when the teacher was not there, and lead a general discussion. Mostly about movies, sometimes he would lead a game of antakshari with movie names. And when the general noise level would rise above a level he would revert to a basic command "stand up, raise your hands, fold your hands, sit down", and the class would quieten immediately. And if that didn't work, he'd proceed to get a scale and whip everyone on the hands.
And one day, I was on the receiving end of one such beating. I am not sure of what happened, but I think I started crying immediately after that. I was never beaten, and according to me, if I didn't do anything wrong, I would never be punished. That, coupled with the anger of the new school led to the waterworks, I think.
What happened next was unbelievable. SK came to me, and told me to go wash my face and come.
Then came an important part of the year, the class election. The teacher specially called me to the fore, and made me contest the four way contest, also featuring SK. SK got just one vote, and I felt as if he got just desserts. But the thing is, I won. I had been there for just a month or two, and I was the class leader. But I soon realised I never possessed the skill to keep a class under control, and so I quit barely week later, under the pretense that I was too new here.
 And after that, he never bothered with the whipping on me again. I'd be a bit pissed of since he probably thought me a sissy and a cry baby, but I soon became his second in command. When he wanted to go out, I was in charge. I had to write down the names of who would talk. He gave me special instructions not to write the names of the new students.
As years passed by, SK shunned his leadership roles in the class. That onus came to fall on my shoulders, except when I shunned it as well. To be frank, SK and I were in the same class for 7 years, and I was leader for 4 of these years, and one year was rotational leadership. And in these 4 years, plus one time in 11th, as a leader, I learnt one important thing. I can't keep anyone from talking. It just wasn't humanly possible. So I started letting things slide. I told everyone in my class that they were free to talk, as long as they didn't make a fracas, or make too much noise. If the noise grew to a level, I'd whip out a piece of paper and start noting names, with a threat that it will be handed over to the class teacher or something like that. I can safely reveal that I never handed in a list ever.
 SK ruled for just one year after I came, but I can honestly say that he is a better leader than I will ever be, and is one of the greatest human beings I have seen.
My first impression of him? Just the opposite. But that is real life. 

A Trip Down Memory Lane : New School

This is the second installment of the Trip Down Memory Lane series, and dates back to April 16 2001. This was the day I transferred from my old school to my new school. The reason for the shift was that we had changed houses just the previous year, and it was a lot of trouble covering the large distance between my school and our house. I kept going through a lot of benefactors for one year, but that is a story for another post, which hopefully will come today itself.

It was the day after Vishu or the next day. My mother accompanied me to the school. She knew the Principal, it seems, but that wasn't going to change anything. The class was just filling up, so I went and thanks to some girls I found out an empty seat and settled down. My mother sat there and chatted with the students there for some time, when the bell rung for assembly. Everyone seemed to know what to do, and where to go. Everyone, that is, except me. I kept trying to follow someone I had seen earlier, sometimes running to keep up with them. As I stood in the scorching hot sun, and looked around the stage, barely taking anything in, the only thing I could think of was that I was abandoned. Imagine a tiny little puppy wrenched from its mommy, and left to fend for itself in a hostile, dog-eat-dog world, that was me, that was all I could think of.

One phrase from one of my father's friends, who happened to be a teacher at the school, comes to my mind now. "This school is not like your old school. There is less control here, you won't feel that strangled and bound up here." That automatically implied less discipline, and more rowdy behaviour, and less intervention from the teachers. That was the opposite of what I was used to. I thrived in ordered situations where authority was always around to enforce order. So this was going to be more tough than I imagined. And I quickly realised that. Where back at my old school, there was rarely a sound during free periods, here the noise was deafening. I could not bear it, and I often used to go out to the corridors, looking outside at the entrance. And if someone asked me what I was doing outside, I would shamelessly reply I was missing my old school. Here there was no control over the class by teachers and the noise level was intense. But looking back, it was one of those decisions that made me who I am now, made me a better human being, and taught me a lot about how life actually is. I never said this to my parents, but that decision taught me a lot, so thank you for that.

It took me a long time to get used to the school, but it was a better teacher than any for me, a teacher of life.