Trying to Rise

Ever since I nearly flunked my digital lab exam, things have been going downhill for me, and life's been souring fast. A slight mention of someone not passing, any side note about a failure makes my heart go limp. It seems as though all of my blood vessels are constricting and I am being squeezed into nothing. Something goes off in the bottom of my stomach, and I feel reduced to nothing.

My self confidence has been severely mutilated, and right now I am not sure I will amount to anything in life. The only thing I had for all my life was this, my ability to always deliver, always get good marks no matter what the circumstances, and as and when I lose that ability, I become nothing. I get reduced to a worthless piece of crap.

See this is how writing helps you. Once I typed the above lines, I myself enunciated my problem. I began to associate my accolades and accomplishments for me. I began seeing the two as one and the same. I went to such a level that they were inseparable. For me, the only reason I exist is because I can achieve something. The second I cease to get good marks and all, I cease to exist. I began to think that I need the approval of everyone around me, and for me the only way to get that approval was to be the topper. I had put myself into a world of trouble, and I had no idea what I had got myself into.

See this is a problem that comes to a lot of people. Ego. Often we mistake the ego for our true selves, and that happened to me too. The ego needs the approval of people around us and seeks to gain it by any means whatsoever. If it doesn’t get it, it reacts. It reacts by making us feel bad, it reacts by putting us in a desperate state and gently nudges us to do something to gain the attention of others around us once more. What we don't realize is that we do not need the whole-hearted approval of everyone around us. We can feel secure within ourselves. Once we do that, we reach a place where we are not bothered by the results of our actions. We know that no matter what happens we will always be ourselves, and that none of our mistakes can diminish what we are really worth. We begin to perform with only one thing in mind, and that is the action. When Sachin Tendulkar goes to the ground to bat, he doesn’t think about his centuries, he doesn’t think about what people will think, he thinks about just performing. Sure, he gets out for a duck, and sure he hits centuries. But all that doesn’t change the fact that he is the best there is.

That is all easily said than done. What has been programmed into us for years is not necessarily erased in a day or two. It takes consistent hard work, persistence and dedication. We can't change what has happened. We can't erase the mistakes that we made. We can only try to live without repeating those mistakes again. We can change our way of thinking. No one can evaluate or rate us without our consent.

In fact I am glad this nervous breakdown came now rather than later. Now I can analyse what went wrong, and change myself. Sure it is going to hurt when you poke and probe into an open wound, but it is better to probe it now and clean it than leave it to fester later.

As someone said,

"Only through weakness can a soul gain strength"